Rocking Mental Health: The Blog- Let's Walk Together

I have to start out by saying I have been feeling much better as of late. It started about a couple of months ago. I have been hopeful that the new medication combo would finally be the one. It started out well, but in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t quite there. I felt the medications were the right ones and we needed to dial in the dosage. Well, I am happy to admit, I think we are finally there. At least for now. The medication hasn’t been everything, but it has been the hardest part of all of this at least as I think about it. It’s hard to have a successful turn around without fixing the neurotransmitter side of the equation. Medications, at least for me, have been the right fit into this equation. I know a lot of people are doing more natural things to get back to good and I am not discrediting those means. I try and use some, but for me I also need the medication addition. This is what is working for me. I encourage you to keep going with what is working for you.

At the end of last month, my wife and I went to St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands, to finally celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary which occurred back in September. I was about a month into feeling better so I was excited for the prospects of this vacation. I felt like I was finally in a place to actually enjoy myself which presented a nice potential for an amazing trip. It was a great trip! The weather was great and the resort we like to stay at in St. Thomas didn’t disappoint. I was still having my moments, but they weren’t depressive moments. I was still having some social anxiety issues, so I tended to stay in places where I didn’t have to interact with many people (the view from our beach access patio was awesome). We hung-out, we ate a ton of seafood, we laughed a lot, and the snorkeling over on St. John was spectacular! It was great to get away and shut my mind down. Forget about the real world for awhile. Forget about work for awhile. Just chill. And so we did.

We got back home on a Friday which was great. We had the whole weekend to get acclimated back into the real world and get ready to go back to work on Monday.

Monday was an uneventful day. There was some speculation traveling around after we got an email Sunday evening from the main boss of our division. It looked a whole lot like some cuts where coming, but of course it didn’t say it clearly at all. This is something I have been through before. It is always nerve racking as you begin to question if your job is going to be safe. Thankfully, I live in a mostly rural area so we always need both of us, a sales rep and a clinical specialist (me), to cover everywhere due to the travel times to get to everywhere within our territory. This thought always decreased my nerves some. Also, I have made it through multiple cuts in the past, so this also helped to calm my nerves.

It is in my nature to overthink these situations and I let myself get more nervous than I should. I have trouble just letting things ride. I know I need to, but it’s hard for me to not focus on what may come or not come.

And then I noticed the email I received from basically the boss of my boss, the Area VP. It was a one-on-one Microsoft Teams invite for tomorrow morning (Tuesday). Gulp! This is a new one. They’ve never done this in the past when you are safe, so now I really am getting nervous and this time I think it is warranted.

I got up the next morning and got ready for work before jumping on the call.

I get on the call.

The meeting starts immediately. The meeting was about me getting let go from my position of twelve years.

I’m in shock. I didn’t really say much to the Firer. It was an extremely cold phone call so I figured me saying anything would be a huge waste of my time.

Wow! I don’t have a job.

I went from thinking that this place was the place I would retire from, to being dropped like a bad habit. All of a sudden the position I have worked at for twelve years is now a part of the problem and not the solution. At least that is what the third party company they hired said. It turned us from people into a number and nothing more. It makes no sense. I’m in a daze.

I did begin to hear of some others who were let go as well. People I have known for a lot of years. They let go some seriously experienced and obviously dedicated employees. This is a place that prides itself on longevity. They celebrate work milestones. They come off as a place you can make a career at. I was duped and I must have gotten too comfortable with this thought because I was left blindsided and dazed.

No matter what, you are never anything but a number to these cooperate machines no matter what they tell you to keep you making money for them. It’s the way it is and it’s the way it has always been.

They did give me a really good severance package based on my years of service, but I would much rather remain on and keep my job.

So, here I am. I’ve been laid off for almost three weeks now. It’s a lot of time to do nothing. It allows a ton of time to crawl back into my head. This is a major life changer that I was not ready to experience and didn’t want to experience.

Again, I have been feeling much better. I’m tired of all the hits. I’m tired of being knocked down. I want to stay here and then POOF there goes my job. Wham, like a punch upside the head, I’ve taken an upper cut this time. I could fall or I can stand firm.

I’ve come way to far over the past three years. I have had some really bad times throughout these past three years. I have spent too much time doubting and hating myself. There have been times I have wanted to end it all. I feel like I have been through and also handled a lot through all of this.

Here is a bit of a recap from these past few years. I finally asked for help. I’ve stayed on a mental health unit. I’ve been through multiple psychiatrists mostly due to them moving elsewhere. I’ve had two therapists again because of moving, and this was all during a pandemic where the world shut down and we isolated completely taking away a huge social component and allowed me to avoid anything and everything to the point it became a problem. Any social anxiety I had before got cranked to ten. I’ve trialed numerous medications over the last three years. Some seemed to help and others seemed to exacerbate my symptoms. There have been good times for sure, but there has been a lot of dark times as well.

I really could crumble. Maybe I should. I don’t think anyone would be surprised, but I refuse to crumble this time. I just got to a good place and I’m not ready to leave it yet, so keep throwing your bullshit at me. This is a big one. It should knock me out, but I’m not going down this time…NOPE.

You’ve now awakened Jason the fighter and pissed off mental health patient. I want to skip over the depression phase that can come with these types of occurances. This time I’m pushing back. This time I’m not going to be hiding in my bed. This time I’m not going to question everything I do. My self esteem is improving and I am liking what I have been seeing lately.

With all of that said, I have to come up with a new plan. A new path to add to the other paths I’ve been walking. Honestly, this maybe is a blessing. Sales is tough even though my main role was a clinical role, but there was still a sales aspect to my job. I was getting burned out on the Sales side. The problem was leaving. I wasn’t allowing myself to pursue something different. I will admit, it paid well and let’s face it…that’s hard to leave.

The nervousness I do have right now is more due to a fear of the unknown. I have no idea where I am going next or what I want to do next. I have choices. I thankfully have a nursing degree to fall back on, but is that what I want to do next? Get back into nursing?

It’s certainly on the table right now. I loved my years working as a nurse. I left due to the opportunity to do something different. Let’s just say that was 12 years ago and the reason I left is now the reason why I am here right now. Speaking of 12 years, can I really go back to nursing after 12 years off? This would be the one aspect that gives me pause in returning. Thankfully, with my last job, I was around nurses all of the time in the procedure rooms so I could at least keep up a little bit from a procedural standpoint of what their roles are like now. I want to be sure I trust myself to take care of patients again which I know I do trust myself. The old me is still there, just a bit rusty

I could return to the medical device sales world. I have a ton of experience now and I am good at what I do. I feel like I have respect with my peers in the area and I’ve met a lot of awesome people over the years, so it’s not like I wouldn’t be welcomed back. I’m a bit burned out on it right now, so I think it would have to be the perfect fit. Whatever that might look like.

I could do something unrelated to both. Do something completely new. I have no idea what that would be or look like, but it does perk my interest to look into this possibility more.

I’ll get more into making these decisions as I go, but honestly I like being me right now. I like me without the stress of work. The me feeling happier. The me being more creative again (new music hopefully coming soon). My sleep schedule has been flipped up side down and I’ve mostly been hanging out at home not doing much. That get’s annoying after a while so what I really want to get back into is creating content for mental health awareness and for Rocking Mental Health. Get back to gearing my mind to being more creative and then laying down art of some form.

Losing my job sucks. I would prefer to be employed as, overall, I really don’t mind doing my job and I love it most of the time, but now that part is gone and that chapter has closed. I’m basically making it up as it goes right now, but I don’t feel bad. I still fill pretty good after all this has gone down. I hope it stays this way and I am going to do everything I can to keep it this way.

I’m nervously excited for the next chapter in my professional life and really my life as everything effects something. I get the chance and also have been allowed some time to figure out what I want to do next.

So right now, I’m going to keep enjoying being me and start to figure out where I am going next. I am going to continue pushing back on the negativity that is always looking to return to my life leaving me feeling terrible about myself. I’m not in that mood to deal with the terrible right now, so I refuse to fall back into a hole.

We Got This! You Got This! I Got This! Let’s keep walking this journey together.

Have a great day!

Jason

Come on over and check out rockingmentalhealth.com. I have been working on gathering a collection of works from others who are also dealing with mental illness. You will find stories and experiences, told by individuals, utilizing some form of creative expression to relay their thoughts. There are Blogs, Podcasts, Videos, Music, Art, Photography, Books and so much more. We are always looking to add anyone who wants to participate and share. To me it’s not about if you are talented or not. It’s about the feelings, stories, and experiences you are sharing through what you have created.

The Mission:

To achieve going to not one Pearl Jam show in a crowded arena, but making it to three Pearl Jam shows in one week. To show yourself you can do it. To show yourself you can survive in big crowds again. To rekindle your love of going to live concerts. To enjoy the people you are with. To have fun. To conquer this latest bout of depression and anxiety.

This is your mission if you choose to accept.

I accept.

So how am I going to achieve all of this? There is a lot here and a lot going on. I feel overwhelmed with the task at hand. For me to be successful at achieving this short term goal, I must develop a plan.

I talked about my trip out to New Jersey in my last blog. I was traveling out there to see my oldest and best friend. We went to a Pearl Jam Concert at Madison Square Garden in New York City. I made it through that concert, but it was really close to not happening.

The last couple of weeks leading up to my trip out east, I found myself in a dark place. I was feeling extremely depressed and also my anxiety wasn’t playing nicely either. If there was a negative thought to have, my brain was throwing it at me. You’re fat. You’re lazy. You’re not good at your job. You’re wife deserves to be with someone who isn’t laying in bed all of the time. No one cares. People are talking negatively about everything I do. And on it goes.

Hopelessness set in. This is when the scariest thoughts come to be. The ones that tell you that everyone is better off without you. The one that tells you you’re a burden to others. The one that is very convincing when it begins to tell you maybe you should just end it all.

Extremely scary stuff.

All of this had me nervous to travel out east. I almost canceled the trip as I felt horrible and I didn’t want to infect another household with the way I was feeling. I thought really hard about not going out there. I almost gave up on this trip without even trying even a little bit of the journey.

The small amount of clearness I had left kept telling me, “but you have stuff to do”. “You will regret not trying”. “Maybe this trip is exactly what you need right at this very moment in your life”.

I had to try.

On my mind was not only this trip, but after this I was going to be traveling to Nashville and then to Saint Louis for two more Pearl Jam shows. New Jersey/New York City (Sunday), Nashville (Friday), and then Saint Louis (Sunday) all together seemed like an impossible task. It seemed like a ton of work. I exhausted myself just thinking about it.

At the start, I wasn’t even sure I could get on the plane to knock one journey off the list, let alone seeing two more concerts within a weeks time.

I had to try. This is the love I have for live music and also seeing my favorite band in some really cool places.

How can I make this happen?

My short term goal was to make it to all three shows. The only way I could see myself being successful is breaking this all down into smaller increments.

Get on the plane you are trying to talk yourself out of. Get to the first layover in Chicago. Get on the next plane. Land in New Jersey. Find my friend who was picking me up. Drive together to his house. Spend time at his house hanging out with my buddy and his family. Go to sleep.

Stuff like this. I tried to break every bit of my trip down into smaller increments. These small increments, when looked at by themselves, seem way more doable than looking at the whole picture. Next week will come. The next two trips will come. I really tried not to think about everything else. I tried to focus on each step to get to my goal and accomplish the mission laid out before me.

My trip out east was a success! It wasn’t easy at times. My nerves were really jumping when we boarded the train into the city for the concert. Once in the city, all the noises hit me. I had to remember to take some deep breathes and keep going. We got to the arena and walked in. People everywhere. You can do this. You want to do this. The music will start soon and you can try and lose yourself in it. I just have to hold on a little bit longer.

I made it! The show was amazing. We had a great time. I flew home on Tuesday. I had a sense of accomplishment. I was still in and out of the darkness, but I am proud of myself for making it through what just days before seemed like an impossible task.

But wait…there’s more.

I got back on Tuesday. I worked for a couple of days and then Nashville was upon me.

Remember, Jason, increments.

This Pearl Jam trip was with my wife. She really wanted to go to Nashville as she has never been there. We ended up driving. It was a six-ish hour drive.

Increments.

Drive and stop as needed. Only focus on the drive at this time. The rest will be waiting for you. Get to the hotel. Grab a bite to eat. Get ready for the concert. Go to the concert. Afterwards, walk back to the hotel.

The increments went pretty much like this.

It’s always a couple of hours before leaving the hotel that everything likes to hit me. I was nervous again. Almost like it was my first time braving a crowd, but wait a minute…you just did this a matter of a couple days ago. You can do it again. Also it must be noted, we didn’t have seats for this show. We were standing in the GA pit section in front of the stage. This helped my nerves. I knew I wouldn’t be smashed into the middle of a row of seats with what feels like no escape. We could position ourselves on the floor with a clear escape built in. We stood towards the back on the edge of the pit by a side rail. We even had a garbage can blocking our backs so we wouldn’t get smashed in at any point. It really was the perfect setup for someone who doesn’t care for large crowds, but is still in a large crowd.

My wife and I had a great time. She loves to dance and had plenty of room to throw some moves down. I’m more of a stand in place move my legs and head sort of dancer. Basically, I don’t dance. Date night in Nashville was a success.

We stayed an extra day in Nashville. I must admit. I was exhausted from the night before. Breaking these goals into increments is the way to go, but it still takes a lot of energy and effort doing the crowd thing. I pretty much laid in bed the next day. My wife went exploring and I didn’t go. So much of where we were in Nashville was bars bars and more bars. Not my thing anymore, but my wife wanted to check a few out. You gotta hit up a honkey tonk when in Nashville.

I felt really bad that I didn’t go with her. The night before I was set to go with her, but then Saturday hit and it was the last thing I wanted to do. The exhaustion from the effort the night before left me feeling like my guard wasn’t as strong, so I protected myself and stayed in. I should have gone with. I will get there. All of this will help me get there.

Sunday, we headed to St. Louis for the final show. My wife didn’t go to this one. I was joining some friends and one of them is my main Pearl Jam going to brother. We have been to a bunch of shows together and he understands where I was at during this rough time I was trying to pull myself out of.

Again, I had to not worry about the show and break this next journey into increments. So I did.

We drove to St. Louis. Stopped along the way as you tend to do when traveling. We arrived in St. Louis and checked into the hotel. My buddies were already in town and were about too head over to the arena. We never really talked about a meeting time so I found myself rushing to get to my room and then I headed out for the show.

This opened up some new worries about the night. I didn’t feel like I had enough time to prepare myself. What is going to happen if I am not properly prepared? Well, thankfully nothing happened. It might have been a blessing to rush getting to the arena and not have time to build anything up in my head. I basically had to jump before I was ready to jump and it ended up being what I needed for this night. We had a great time and my nerves didn’t seem to be as bad as the other two shows. I had to approach this show differently than the others.

We were on the floor again for this show. The difference from Nashville is there was no side rail marking the perimeter we had to be in. Instead the sides were marked with pink tape which outlined the aisle. And they made sure people stayed out of the aisle space. This was perfect! We were able to get closer to the stage than I’ve ever been before and I stood with my left foot touching the pink tape the whole night so I had an easy out if I needed one. This setup was maybe the most comfortable. The crowd was closer together where we were, but it seemed to only bother me for a short time. I kept looking at my left foot on the pink tape and telling myself “you got this”. “If you need to leave for any reason, here is your escape route”.

I did it! I beat my mission. I accomplished everything I hoped to, even though it certainly wasn’t easy at times. I was pushing back and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was winning. I was ready for some positive experiences. Enough with the negative. I pushed back. I made it through my fear of the large crowds not once, but three times. Whew! It was exhausting, but it was something I had to prove to myself that I could still do. I’m a music lover. I love to play the guitar and drums. I love to listen to music. I really love going and watching live music. I did it this time and I will do it again.

Mission Accomplished

This whole experience has been a learning experience. I wanted to achieve my mission and accomplish my short term goal. I don’t think it would have gone as well if I didn’t break this short term goal into increments. By moving forward one increment at a time, I feel I have set myself up for another run at my long term goal which is being happy in my own skin again. Being happy with who I am and who and what I have become. A happy me can be more helpful to those around me. I really just want to live life and not feel like I am being tormented all of the time by my negative thoughts.

Game On!!

What are you working towards? Have you tried to break your short term goals into smaller increments to help you achieve these goals? We can’t keep trying to look so far ahead in our lives. I know it is easy to do, but we can’t get to step five without first getting through steps one and two. I believe by looking down at what and where we are currently in our journey and taking on what is directly in front of us will set us up for achieving our short term goals. It really puts us on the right course to achieve our long term goals which lie further down the path.

I got this! You got this! We got this! Let’s keep walking this path together.

P.S. – these were all tickets I’ve been holding onto since before the pandemic. These shows were supposed to happen in early to mid 2020. I was much better with crowds before the pandemic.

Have a great day!

Jason

Are you feeling stuck? Do you need some encouragement? Do you want to hear from others with a similar experience? Come over to www.rockingmentalhealth.com. There you will find stories and experiences told through multiple forms of creative expression.

We are always looking to grow as well! Let me know if you would like to share your story through some type of creative media. Any and all talent levels accepted. It’s all about showing people they are not alone in their journeys. Email me at: jason.kehl@rockingmentalhealth.com

Saturday, September 10th

As I write this, I find myself on an airplane. If you had asked me 3 days ago if I would be on this plane I’m not sure I would have given a confident yes. The last few days have been really rough. Everything I am trying to manage reared it’s head in a way I haven’t experienced in a few years. That experience, a few years ago, ended up with me checking myself into the mental health care ward at the local hospital.

The last few days have been bad. Two nights ago I almost went to the ER. I was having some seriously intrusive thoughts unlike what I’ve had over the last few years. These thoughts scare me and leave my a bit afraid of myself. This is where the hospital would come into play. It can provide me a safe place. Even a safe place from myself during a scary time. Thankfully, with the help of my wife, I was able to avoid the hospital and calm myself down. And now I find myself on an airplane.

I’ve had some fairly hysterical cries over the last few days. Nothing was making sense and the thought of giving up popped into my head more than once. It left me feeling frightened. I felt like I was losing every last bit of control that I had over myself. It really is a terrifying feeling.

I’ve been extremely frustrated with my medication management. I’ve tried a number of medications and I’ve had difficulty finding the best fit. A fit I can live with and grow with. I’ve never been the most patient Jason and medication management, when dealing with my mental illness, has not been the quick fix I have desired.

I started another new medication a few months ago. One dose for a week and then bump up to the next dose and then follow up with my psych nurse practitioner. Sounds easy enough to follow right? Over the last couple of months the depression and anxiety has been steadily getting worse. I took “easy” and chucked it out the window. I canceled my follow up appointment. Rescheduling isn’t easy in the psych world so I had to wait over a month for my next appointment. Not a good thing when starting a new medication and feeling like I need a higher dose with the worsening depression and anxiety. I tried to deal with it, but my brain wasn’t having anything to do with it. The depression and anxiety continued to get worse.

During that time, I have also canceled two of my therapist appointments. I knew it probably wasn’t the best idea, but I didn’t want to go. I’ve had this feeling before, but I’ve always been able to push myself out the door and into the office. I can be stubborn. This was more than that. I wasn’t feeling well and I wasn’t thinking straight or at least wasn’t thinking about what I needed. I remember thinking it all felt like a huge waste of my time. So I didn’t go. Rescheduling these appointments are even harder than seeing the nurse practitioner. I now have to wait a couple of months before I could get another appointment.

I was neglecting my plan. The plan I’ve been working through over the past few years. I was throwing up walls left and right and not using those around me to help me. Of course I got worse. How could I not?

It got to the point that I wasn’t leaving the house much. My personal hygiene wasn’t what it should be and I could feel myself beginning to fade. I have been laying in bed a ton. This gives me way to much “in my head” time. This isn’t good when you are under medicated (at least I feel like this was what was going on). The darkness wasn’t just creeping back in. It had taken up residence in my head again. My thoughts about myself where tearing me down versus building me up. After a while, you begin to believe these thoughts.

And then it all came to heads Thursday night. I had a work thing to do on Friday and I was super worried about flying today. This added into the horrible thoughts and I found myself hysterical, fearful, and wanting to give up.

I really felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Thank God for my wife and also the fact I still had a few clear thoughts in my head. I was able to calm myself down and I avoided the hospital.

The weird thing is is that I felt a little better after releasing some energy and emotion. Sometimes you need to tear down those damn walls we keep building up around ourselves and take ourselves to our most vulnerable. I was there. Vulnerableness isn’t always a bad thing. I needed that raw emotion it gives me. I needed to tear down some walls and I feel like I did just that.

I felt silly. I did, but I felt almost a cleansed sort of feeling that my soul needed most at that horrible time.

Was this rock bottom? I’m not sure, but it felt pretty damn close.

And now I find myself on an airplane. Two days ago I didn’t want to go, but even though I wanted to avoid going and “protect” myself. I knew I needed to go and going would be what I need the most right now.

I did it. When I was at my lowest I stood myself back up. I pushed back! I’m over letting this mental illness rule my world. 

I am on an airplane heading out to New Jersey to visit my oldest and best friend. I knew I couldn’t miss this. This visit is exactly what I need at this exact moment in my life. I know it is. I need to surround myself with parts of my core crew. This is a big motivation of why I need to push back. 

Monday, September 12th

I almost pulled the plug. I would have missed an amazing time with someone I consider to be my brother. He knows me and he gets me and it works both ways. We have seen each other’s best and worst and this is who I exactly needed during this really tough time. Once I saw him pull up at the airport to pick me up, I knew I had made the right decision.

We basically chilled. We mostly hung out at his house with his amazing wife and kids. It’s always therapeutic for me to get to dork around with the littles. Uncle Jason can be a bit nutty and it feels good. It was a no pressure visit.

I was nervous about one thing. New York City and the crazy amount of people everywhere. Good thing I had my brother with me. We headed into the city on Sunday, September 11th. I’m a small town Central Illinois boy so being in the city where the 9/11 tragedy took place was extremely surreal.

This day had some added meaning to me. My favorite band, Pearl Jam, was playing Madison Square Garden that night and we had tickets. I was excited to see them, but I still felt flat and didn’t have the excitement level I normally would for a PJ show.

This was a show that was postponed at the beginning of the pandemic and I have been holding on to the tickets ever since waiting for it to be rescheduled.

Wow! What a show! I almost missed this amazing experience. I have never been standing on concrete that was moving up and down! There was so much energy and I think everyone was dancing and moving around because you could feel it. You could see the stage ropes swaying and I had to change my “dancing” to match the up and the down movement of the concrete. 

Music. Powerful music. Music is and has always been one of the strongest forms of therapy for me.

I am so glad that I went. I feel better than I did before going. I needed to get away. I needed a powerful show to release and I needed to hang out with my brother. It’s weird how things happen. This show was supposed to be over two years ago. It wasn’t originally scheduled for 9/11. God does work in mysterious ways that we don’t quite understand and he was working for me and I could feel it. 

This is exactly what I needed at a terrible time in my life. I really hope I’m on the way back. Just think where I would be if I hadn’t stood up and pushed back! I very well would have ended up in the hospital which is OK. It’s there and I have done it before. 

This experience. Every bit of it is going to make me stronger. I know it. I am working to totally believe it as I do have a ways to go. I can pull on old information that has helped and now it’s time to form new information about myself. I want to stand. I do not want to spend my life in bed. I took a huge step with this trip out to New Jersey. It was overwhelming, but it ended up being exactly what I needed.

I will get through this! We will get through this!

I got this! You got this! We got this! Let’s keep walking this journey together.

More to come…

Have a great day!

Jason

Swing on over and check out www.rockingmentalhealth.com. You will find my blog and many other bloggers are sharing their blogs there as well. You will find music, art, a podcast, books and more. We are constantly looking to add more content. Stop on by and hang out for a while!

Also, feel free to share anything you want to share that you are working on. This is meant to be a website where people can share their stories and experiences through creative expression. Email me at: jason.kehl@rockingmentalhealth.com and I will get you added!

I’ve had a lot of thoughts filling my head lately and sometimes it feels like nothing is going on up there. It’s been a strange time. I feel like I have a ton to spill out on the pages, but I tend to be faced with the same thing…I have no idea where to start. And now I have stared at these first sentences wondering where I should go from here. Today is going to be a brain dump. I feel we need to dump our brains every now and again just to help make sense of life again. You get enough thoughts swirling around in your head and it is healthy to release them. Dump your brain however you want. Write about it, talk to someone, draw about it, sing about it. Do whatever you need to do to clear room. We start trying to go a million different directions. We end up getting nowhere as these thoughts begin to become difficult to keep track of and sometimes difficult to make sense of it all or difficult to know where to start. Add in my introversion, which has been hinging on reclusion with a sprinkle of being distant, and you have a recipe for a jumbled mess and very little direction.

I find myself being at home more and more. I find myself wanting to be home more and more. I have found myself avoiding going out if I don’t have to. I basically don’t want to leave the house. This thought has been increasing in my head over the last few months and has really been hitting hard over the last couple of weeks.

If I don’t have to leave the house, I don’t. Work is about it lately with very few exceptions. If I have to drive somewhere for work and help cover a procedure, I do it. I don’t want to, but I have to. It becomes more about the patient and less about what is going on inside my head. The work I do and the products that I cover have a direct impact on a persons care and wellbeing. I have to be present for that. I have to leave whatever is going on with me at the door and focus on the task at hand. I feel I am good at doing this. It’s almost like I can turn my brain off and focus on the task at hand. I’ve gotten good at this over the years I practiced as a nurse and now in the medical device sales industry I am currently in. Me being caught up in whatever is going on with me serves no purpose in caring for someone.

I can shut this off at work, mostly, so why can’t I shut it off when dealing with the rest of my life outside of work? One answer is practice. I’ve practiced this train of thought for around 25 years now. It didn’t happen overnight. It is a discipline.

Maybe I lack discipline in me personal life? There are areas of course where I do exercise discipline. Of course there is, but in my mental health life I believe I am still learning this especially when it comes to my thoughts. I haven’t been actively working on my mental health for very long. It’s been a little over three years since I asked for help and stopped trying to solve everything myself. I’m forty-six so three years is really a drop in the bucket compared to other areas I may exercise discipline in.

A common theme throughout my blogging is patience. Something I struggle with almost daily. I want things to be better now. Not down the road, but now. I am not good at giving things time to work out or giving things time to become good habits. I’m trying, but impatience has been with me for many many years.

Through the impatience, I am learning new ways of becoming better disciplined with my mental health. I’m not there yet and it has really been showing lately.

I am in the middle of adjusting to a new medication. I’ve been on it for a couple of months now and I do see a difference. I feel like I am less depressed. The depression has come on a bit lately and can be intense, but I find it does not last very long which is a relief. My anxiety? That part has been a bit confusing and I will try to elaborate. I’ve also made some less than desirable decisions about my mental health care.

That’s a lot to unpack in one small paragraph. Here comes the brain dump part of the show.

Lately, I don’t want to leave the house. Over these past few years I have accepted that I am introverted and I am definitely a home body. I prefer to be at home and I am most comfortable at home. Lately it has become more of a reclusive behavior versus introversion.

In my mind, introversion and being reclusive have a grey area between them as they meet and I think I am in this grey area.

I try to avoid everything I can. If I don’t have to do it or leave the house then that is what I choose. I feel like I have shut down. This includes the hobbies I like to do. This includes my mission to spread mental health awareness and the content I try to create and share. I want to do it, but I find myself not knowing where to start or just not wanting to put the effort in to create. The ideas are not flowing like they have before. Really nothing is flowing right now.

I really haven’t struggled with depression so much, when I do it tends to be severe and short lived. It’s really that I feel like I don’t care anymore. I really just want to hide from everything.

I haven’t drawn in a while. I haven’t picked up my guitar or played my drums in a while. Blogging has been sporadic at best. I was reading an awesome book and just stopped more than halfway through it. No real reason. I don’t go out on my deck in the evening because I don’t want to be seen. Not that anyone sees me, but I feel like I need to hide from something. I love sitting on my deck in the summer.

It has all just halted.

I lay in bed more and more. Not really due to depression, but it is my favorite place to hide. I feel like no one can get to me there. So I lay in bed. I’ll watch TV sometimes, but it doesn’t provide a ton of excitement. Most of the time I just lay there thinking of ways to disappear. If I can get out of something, I will. I feel unplugged, but not in the carefree way.

I know I have put some walls up. I feel like I am slipping into some reclusive version of my former self that also doesn’t want to let anybody in and also a version that wants to do it all myself like the old me.

To top it off, I have canceled two therapy appointments and also an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. If there are any alarms left in this state I find myself in, they are going off right now. I’m not proud of these decisions I’ve made regarding my care, but I own them as well.

Why did I cancel? I didn’t want to go. I didn’t feel like going through the process. I didn’t feel like playing the game. This is the worst time to be doing this. It can take a while to get back on their schedule and time is something I shouldn’t be playing with right now and I know it.

Have I rescheduled? Not yet. Why? I really have no good reasons except I don’t want to. I know I need to and I will, but I prefer to hide. Pick up the phone, Jason, it’s not that hard. Then why is it so hard? I think the dangers of hiding have in a weird way become comfortable to me. I look forward to my bed more than most things right now.

This is not the state of mind I need right now. I need to follow-up with this new medication. I feel like I need to try a dosage increase. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe this medication is not for me and all of this reclusiveness is really some jacked up side effect. Or maybe it isn’t.

I know I need to find some sort of direction right now. I feel like I am playing a dangerous game and a game I know I shouldn’t be playing. I am losing myself. So why play this way? I’m not perfect and I’m a bit lost right now.

This is the reality I am faced with. I can completely lose myself or I can do what I know I need to and work on getting back on track.

The crazy thing about all of this, and the one thing that maybe makes the least amount of sense, is that I haven’t felt particularly “bad” through most of this. I feel totally numb, but I’m not sure if I feel bad. It doesn’t compute. It’s unnerving. It makes all of this almost attractive. I really can’t believe I just said that. There is nothing good about what is going on, but I think I might like some of what is going on. What?

I know I don’t want to dwell on this belief for much time at all. I worry it can manifest into a more “normal” part of being. No matter what I feel, I do know it isn’t coming from anywhere good.

I know I don’t want to avoid the outside world. There are things there I like to do and I like to be a part of.

So how do I go about changing this current attitude or way of life:

1. At the beginning of this all is rescheduling the appointments I have canceled. This is a must. Seeing the pros has always helped with finding direction and keeping me on course.
2. I need to exercise. I was walking a bunch in the not so distant past and I just stopped. Exercise has always been a key for me.
3. I need to eat better. I have fallen back into some really bad eating habits and my weight is showing it. My mind is also showing it. Sugar and Fat do not do a body good and that includes our minds and the way we think about ourselves.
4. Get up in the morning! I get up for work, but other than that I’ve tended to be in bed more. Getting up in the morning, around the same time each day, helps to develop a schedule and I know I do better with a schedule. A schedule can help form good discipline for my life.
5. Shower. I’m not proud to admit it, but I haven’t been the most showered lately. I go days sometimes without showering. I always feel better after a shower. Plus it goes hand in hand with getting up in the morning and forming a schedule.
6. Go to sleep earlier and stay out of bed during the day. My sleep is really screwed up. Sleeping during the day will keep you up at night and doesn’t play well when you have somewhere to be the next morning. More schedule building.
7. Hobby again. Most of my hobbies involve some type of artistic creation. I use them to tell my story and I always feel good after spending some time with my hobbies. I get a sense of accomplishment.

Number one is at the top of the list. Seeing my therapist and psych nurse practitioner will help to clear away a lot of the jumble in my head or at least get me on a new track or will help me get back on the path I was on.

The rest are in no specific order, but I need to begin them now versus waiting for number one to occur. I cannot wait possibly months before I start making changes. I can do the other stuff now while I wait to see my mental healthcare team.

I just don’t feel like hiding in my house is healthy for me. It isn’t what I want. Brain dumping is always satisfying because it forces me to really think about what is going on. This has been a confusing time, but writing it all out feels like a little bit of direction and I need whatever I can get right now. I’ve even laid out some ideas to help get me back on track, so I feel better now than before I started writing this.

There is nothing easy about our mental health. I wish we could wave a magic wand and our mental illnesses would disappear. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work this way. Mental health is an ongoing battle. There will be highs and lows and then there will be highs and lows again. The difference being we now know more about ourselves than we did when all of this came to light the first time and it leaves us better equipped to handle what comes at us next. It all takes constant practice. We have to remain active in our care. It’s time for me to get more active in my care again. I can accept the introversion, but the reclusive life and what I have seen so far needs to go away. I do need to interact with life again.

Have you fallen on some tough times? What are you doing to get back to interacting with life again? Talk about it, write about it, sing about it, draw about it. Release it. Dump your brain. Better direction is just around the corner.

I got this! You got this! We got this! Let’s keep walking this journey together.

Have a great day!

Jason

Feel free to come visit at www.rockingmentalhealth.com. This blog lives there and you will also find other bloggers who are sharing their stories and experiences. We also have music, videos, art, books, and more. This website is meant to spread mental health awareness through multiple forms of creative expression. Wanna join in? Wanna help spread your reach? Send me an email (jason.kehl@rockingmentalhealth.com) with whatever you are working on and I will get you added. I would love to help share your message. We are stronger together!

There comes a time when you are rolling right along, the ideas are coming from all directions, and then WHAM…NOTHING! It’s strange. The ideas just disappear. It’s not just writers block as this has affected everything I have been creating. Writing, art, videos, podcasts…everything! I call this a creative block. It has hit me kind of hard and this is the reason why I haven’t written a blog in a while or released much else. So I took a hiatus. Something I needed to do and something I needed to allow myself to do, but it was much more than a hiatus.

I started this whole endeavor almost two years ago. It started in my basement where I have a music room. I began to come up with my own instrumental songs using the guitars and drums I have set up. I began to share this on You Tube. My goal was to provide some level of a distraction and also use the music to help promote mental health awareness. The ideas really came quick and I started branching out beyond You Tube. I made a Facebook page and began sharing the music I was creating there.

I was having other ideas and really wanted to use multiple ways to spread mental health awareness and also to begin to tell my own personal story. I started writing this blog. Blog writing has really opened my brain up in a way I never thought it would. I’m not a writer and really had no desire to write, but I quickly found out I like writing about my story and experiences. The goal being to spread awareness along with providing a means to help myself as well.

This morphed into doing a podcast which kind of mirrored the blog, but also had it’s own direction in sharing my story. I was wanting to use multiple forms of media to provide a choice. We all have our ways we like to receive our information.

A website idea began to form, so I created a website where I could share what I was doing. It also provided me a way to share other things I was already doing, such as art. The website was meant to be a centralized place to share my mission to spread mental health awareness.

Eventually I got the crazy idea of turning this into a non-profit organization. A website being the center of it. I wanted a place where I could continue to share my stuff, and also be a place where others could and can share their works and stories too. This is the website as it sits today: rockingmentalhealth.com.

So, I’ve been cruising right along. Working on the website and also continuing to create and share content. And then one day…POOF…the ideas were gone! Where did they go?

This was a couple of months ago.

I decided a bit of a hiatus was in order. I’m allowed that. I just need to recharge the creative side of my brain and then get back to it. I’ve had some little moments of creative block before, took some time to regroup, and then I was back. Maybe a week or two tops.

This hiatus was different.

The ideas left. I was struggling to come up with anything I felt was worth while. I took a break thinking if I don’t try to come up with something then something will come up. I started to get used to not creating anything. I also became very nervous to create anything.

This nervous feeling was weird. I’ve been doing stuff and sharing it for a couple of years now. Never was a problem before and now it is a problem.

I was afraid to get back into creating because I was nervous (maybe afraid) to share it. It gets really hard to spread awareness when you don’t share. I didn’t want to do anything that would make someone comment back or make me interact in any way with anything on social media.

I began to not care what I did. I really just wanted to hide for a while. I was feeling this way in multiple areas of my life, not just the creative-sharing side.

This has all been during the trial of all these different medications. Some of the most recent ones really helped my depression, but I was having this constant nervous feeling all of the time.

It’s “manageable”, but it is nagging all at once. A constant slight nervous feeling can raise in intensity in your mind over time if you allow it and I basically allowed it to happen.

During this time, I was feeling very nervous, anxious, and scared about doing almost anything.

I began to shut myself off and I began to not leave the house if I didn’t have to. Anything involving the public, not even just a crowd, was making me lock down.

I would check my phone a thousand times worried about anybody messaging me. I was worried I wouldn’t say the right thing. It got to the point I didn’t want to talk to anyone at all. All of these thoughts and actions make it really hard to live your life.

Something needed to change.

It became apparent that the medication I was on was a big part of the way I was feeling. The constant nervous feeling was shutting me down, but part of me didn’t want to see it because I really didn’t want to try yet another med.

I tried to trick myself. That backfired!

I called the nurse practitioner’s office and I was able to get an appointment to see her. We discussed how I was feeling and decided the current med had to be changed as I couldn’t keep going feeling this way.

Oh boy…yet another medication, but I was willing to do anything at that point to get rid of the nervous feeling. I stopped the previous one and started the new one.

The nervous feeling began to subside! Thank you, God!

The constant nervous feeling has gone away. The depression has been pretty good, mostly, except for one week stretch I had where I sank pretty low. I remain to have intermittent shut down nervousness/anxiety, but it isn’t as frequent.

This tells me it was more than the medication making me feel how I did. There tends to always be more than one factor which leads to how we may be currently feeling. I try to keep that in mind.

I am happy to report that the ideas are returning! I am beginning to get back to what I love doing. I’ve even had some successful ventures into the crowds in the form of a couple of concerts. It hasn’t been easy, but it did seem to get easier each time I went.

Things seem to be easing up some. I’ve even shared a couple of things recently. I remain to have some nervousness related to that, but it also seems to be easing up which makes me happy.

Easing up. I like that phrase. I’ve been needing it for a while now. This ride I’m on, while also changing medications around a ton, has been exhausting and has led to a lot of frustration. But it feels like things are easing up.

I’ve been locked in a huge learning process over the past 6 months plus. It’s been good. It’s been horrible. It’s been helpful. It’s been hurtful. I have learned a lot and that I will take.

I’ll take the feeling of things easing up.

The hiatus was good. The hiatus was weird and uncertain. The hiatus was needed. I’m working on reemerging, but I’m giving myself some time.

Today I feel good and that’s where I’m at right now. This is my current pace.

There comes a time when we have to unplug and give ourselves a break from it all. These moments can also be loaded with additional information about ourselves. We can recharge while at the same time we learn and come out even stronger than we were before.

You Got This! I Got This! We Got This! Let’s keep walking this journey together.

Have a great day!

Jason

Feel free to come and visit over at rockingmentalhealth.com. You will find mental health stories and experiences told through multiple forms of creative expression.

One of my favorite childhood memories is going camping in Missouri with my family. We went with multiple other families, so there was a good size group of us. The main draw was the tubing and the canoeing we would do on the creek that flowed next to the campground. We also swam a ton. The rope swing is a nice memory! My favorite memory was navigating the unpredictable creek, in either a tube or a canoe, as it flowed along its path.

In the morning, we would load up on a bus and were transported to the starting point of our water adventure. With sunscreen applied, we would head out for a day on the water.

As the creek flowed there were places where the creek became wider and deeper. The water moved pretty slow in these spots. A good place for a picture. A good place to rest as you slowly go with the flow. This part of the journey is more predictable and easier to navigate. Sometimes the creek would narrow and become more shallow. Sometimes there were rocks and trees down along the path. Sometimes the creek made several bends. This resulted in a more turbulent flow of water. You had to pay attention to where you were going and to where you wanted to get.

These patches of fast turbulent flow would not last very long, but they took the most focus to get through to the next slow and easy point of the trip. You are paddling and doing your best to turn to the left and to the right. You are doing your best to navigate this difficult stretch of water.

Sometimes, even with using all of your focus, you might run into a downed tree trunk or rock. Sometimes the current would even tip your tube or canoe and you had to continue with the flow until you could get back into whichever vessel you are using.

You do the best you can as someone who maybe does this once a year and is far from being a master of the currents. I enjoyed the rush the rapids would give me and the challenge of trying to get through without tipping or running into something. I made being successful through these obstacles a mission. I failed some, but through the nerves, I had fun.

And then the calm points of the creek would return. You enjoy the break, but you know the journey isn’t over yet as there will be more rough spots and more unpredictable areas up ahead.

But we keep moving forward.

It’s been a while since I have written. I’ve had a bit of a creative block going on over the last couple of months. I haven’t drawn much or made any new music. Every time I would try to write, draw, or play music, I just wouldn’t be into what I was doing. The activities generated no excitement or the ideas just would not come to me.

I’ve allowed myself a break.

This break doesn’t mean that I’ve gotten out of my canoe. Far from it. I’m still moving with the flow of my creek as it moves on down its path. I have still hit parts of the journey where the going is easier and I have still been hitting the currents where I have to do what I can to keep moving forward and also to not tip my canoe.

I’ve gotten tired. I’ve rested. I’ve struggled. I’ve had some successes as well.

The last time I wrote, I mentioned being in the middle of some medication changes. I’m not super happy, but I have accepted it, that this is a process. I am on yet another new medication.

I was hopeful about the other I was on. It really did help my depression, but I couldn’t shake the constant nervous feeling I was having and it was really bringing me down. It got to the point that I didn’t know what I should do. I like not being depressed, but I knew I couldn’t keep feeling the nervousness that I was experiencing. So I contacted my psychiatrist.

During the office visit I was able to get, we talked about how I was feeling. It was then decided to stop the newest medication and go on another. Go on one that didn’t “activate” as much or “activate” the same way as the other one.

The nervousness subsided within a couple of days. I felt like I had entered smoother slower moving waters. I was excited for the possibilities this new med could provide. I really was most relieved that my nerves could take a much needed “rest”.

July 9th is a huge date for my mental health journey. It marked three years since I asked for help and admitted myself to the hospital. It also marks three years since I’ve had a drop of alcohol. Two huge milestones in my life. The creek was still moving slowly along. I felt good.

And then the rapids returned and I have been forced to navigate them again.

After this milestone date for me, I began having some depression. Not too bad until it started to get worse. I started to lay in bed more and spent parts of a week basically in bed not wanting to interact with the outside world. I went to work, but that was about it for my effort.

As happy as I am for getting to three years without alcohol and three years since I asked for help outside of myself, I was feeling frustrated. I was also feeling disappointed. Why am I still searching for answers after all of these years and all I really want is a break from it all and a chance to feel “normal” for any stretch of time.

Yes, a lot of good things have happened to me and I’ve come a long way, but it gets lost when your brain goes to such a dark place.

I absolutely had thoughts of giving up. What’s the point if this is just how life is going to be? Constantly searching.

I really got dark. I hated it, but after awhile I couldn’t shake the frustration and disappointment. “I have to try something”, the little voice left in my head was telling me.

I called my psychiatrist office. My feeling was I thought I might be under medicated with the new medicine. I called to see about raising my dosage. I received a message back that she didn’t want to raise it up just yet. I was surprised by this answer. The message stated that this particular medication might take longer than others to really take effect.

Well shit. So I guess I’m just screwed. I had no choice but to let it work for a longer period of time.

So I’ve waited. I’ve tried to be patient. I am happy to report that my depression has been improving. I’m not laying in bed all of the time. My thoughts aren’t as dark and scary as they were being. It feels like the rapids are smoothing out for a calmer section of the creek.

A calm I am ready for. A calm that I need right now.

I’ve had some really good moments, as well, over this time of creative block and during the time of the above events I have described.

I’ve been to a few concerts this summer. The crowds remain to bother me. I may never get to a point where they don’t bother me again. The good thing is each one got easier and easier. Ion the end, everything always improved once the music started and I could lose myself into it.

This past weekend we just went camping with some good friends of ours. Another couple we know. We have taken a yearly camping trip the last 3-4 years. This year we went over to Indiana where the campground offered tubing and canoeing. The canoeing was closed due to low water levels, but they did offer tubing.

I sat out tubing this round as I wasn’t feeling up to it. My wife and our friends went and had a great time. Even though the water was low, adding another element to the equation, they had a good time. They navigated the slow smooth areas, the fast rapid areas, and also had to endure dragging their tubes across some really shallow areas.

They made it through all of it. They even made it through the tough times along the trip. The made it through with smiles on their faces.

This is all any of us want. We want to successfully navigate the flow of the creek that is our lives. Even when the going gets rough, we have to keep moving on down the creek. There will be tough areas we may not be as comfortable navigating, but we find a way. We even have to drag ourselves over some areas, but we keep moving forward.

I’m hoping that I’m coming into some smoother waters. I’m tired of the unpredictable parts that I feel like I’ve been going through. I’m ready for them.

I hope you are navigating the smooth waters right now, but if you aren’t and you feel stuck in the current…keep going. Things will smooth out. There will be other obstacles, but we get better at navigating each one of them the more we paddle through.

Remember, It Is OK To Not Be OK. It Is OK To Need Help. It Is OK To Ask For Help. By doing these things, we allow ourselves to move forward again along our creek’s path and find some smoother water to rest and grow stronger in.

You Got This! I Got This! We Got This! Let’s keep walking this journey together.

Have a great day!

Jason

Come on by and check out the Rocking Mental Health website. This is a place for all of us. You will find people like you and me who are sharing their stories and experiences through some form of creative expression. You can find us at: www.rockingmentalhealth.com

We are always looking for more content contributors. Take a look at the website and see if anything you are doing would fit in. I’m always up for new ideas too! You can contact me at: jason.kehl@rockingmentalhealth.com if you want to join in and share your story.

The hokey pokey. Who remembers the hokey pokey? You put your left foot in. You put your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself about…that’s what it’s all about. And it builds from something like that. I remember playing this when I was a young one and I remember it being a lot of fun. The record spins and the fun begins. Lately, I feel like I have been playing some new rules hokey pokey and it doesn’t feel as fun as I remember it being.

You start this medicine. You stop this medicine. You start this medicine and you spin your life around. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself about. And all that jazz. This is the “game” I am playing right now.

I feel like it has to be done. I didn’t like how I was feeling before and I have been trying to be more active in my mental healthcare again after a long lull. The long lull approach I took doesn’t seem like the best idea now as I learn the new rules of my life’s game.

It has been a whirlwind as of late. I’m starting and stopping and starting medication and this has all been over the last couple of months. It can be a lot to adjust to, but I am really trying my hardest as I do like some of what I am seeing so far.

I haven’t laid in bed due to depression in at least a month. I have been cooking more versus our old habit of ordering out all of the time. I’ve even been losing some weight. I have been doing more around the house and in the yard. I really like this part. I feel more engaged when I am this way. I want to grow this part of me, so it is requiring me to remain patient through this ongoing up and down start and stop process.

Not easy at all, but I am doing it. I don’t feel like I have any other choice in the matter. I do have a choice, I just don’t want to go the other way anymore. Or I am at least trying not to go the other way.

These new medicines have been very different for me. Getting used to these particular ones, which have different side effects for sure, versus some of the other medications I have tried is proving to be a whole new challenge. The ones I am on now tend to “activate” you more. This is where my increased motivation is coming from, but the undesirable side effects live there too.

I’ve talked about this some recently. These new medications leave me with a feeling of “inner restlessness”. This is the best description I have come across for how I feel constantly. I saw the description on an antidepressant commercial and thought it was the best descriptor for the feelings I have been having that are next to impossible to describe. I also have a lingering nervousness feeling that tends to be around most of the time as well.

It is uncomfortable.

But it seems to be easing some the longer I have been on this newest medication. The one before left me feeling these feelings so intensely that I had to stop and start the one I am currently on.

Coming off of a med to go on another med to then come off of it to go onto another leaves you with a very dizzying game of Hokey Pokey. When you are coming off of one and not yet therapeutic on the other can prove to be a rough time. At least for me it has been. Your body is adjusting and you are trying to get used to being without the old one and getting used to the new one. This game isn’t fun, but I stay the course as I know I have to. I have to so that I can get to where I want to get to.

These feelings suck. And they can suck for a while, but I am starting to feel better. These feelings are decreasing more and more every day, so I keep playing the game.

There are days I want to give up and quit, but I can’t. I have too much in front of me I want to experience and I want to get there. Quitting will not get me there. I’ve tried that as well in the past and it left me knocked down a few pegs.

I don’t want to go back there. The side effects I am having now are nowhere near to the feelings I once had. They really suck, but that is because they are so forward in my life right now that it can be all I focus on which I think intensifies these feelings.

So I will continue to put my left foot in and put my left foot out. I’ll keep shaking it all about and I will Hokey Pokey my way to where I want to be. I have to. I WANT to.

Some of our journeys are not always easy. Nothing about any of this is easy, but nothing good tends to come easy as we all know. Therefore, I will keep my head down and keep pushing forward even when it feels like forces want to push me back again.

Nope. Not doing it. Gotta keep moving forward.

Just writing this today has left me feeling pretty good. It feels good to get this stuff off of my chest. Keep pushing. Keep talking. Keep moving forward.

You got this. I got this. We got this! Let’s keep moving forward together on this path we are on.

Have a great day!

Jason

Come on over to rockingmentalhealth.com and see what we have. We have multiple forms of creative expression where others are sharing their stories and experiences through these creative avenues. Come on by and hang out for a bit.

Also, if you would like to participate in some way with your own form of creative expression, let me know. We have room for more of what we already have and I am always up for new ideas and additions. You can reach me at: jason.kehl@rockingmentalhealth.com

It has been a while since I last wrote. I hope everyone is good! And If not, that is OK. It is OK to not be OK. This is something I want to scream from the highest and the lowest places on Earth for all to hear. We need to make this idea the norm. The world needs to know that it is OK to hurt and it is OK to ask for help when you hurt. Mental healthcare is needed more than ever and it just isn’t where we need it to be. Not even close. I think it has gotten better here in the United States, but the pandemic has brought on sky rocketing numbers of people experiencing some degree of mental illness which has saturated the care available and now it is hard to get in to see someone especially if you are not established. Keep going. Keep trying. You are worth every effort you put into yourself. You are worth every effort because you deserve the best life you can have for yourself. I do believe this to be true for everyone.

I’ve been working through some medication changes for the last couple of months. It has been an adventure, as getting in to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner has been possible, but the availability is sketchy. Nothing against her, but mental healthcare is saturated and there is nowhere near enough caregivers to go around. So I am doing my best with what I can get.

The good thing is I do like my nurse practitioner. She is thorough and spends the time with me that is needed during my visits. We have been working on getting my medication right. This has been an ongoing saga over the past three years. I get somewhere and then someone leaves the practice and I have to wait for someone new to take over. I do hope that my current person stays on for a while, and I can finally get consistency, which I feel will help to translate into finding the right medication to fit into my equation.

A couple of months ago, I went off of one of my anti-depressants (I am still on the other) and started on an anti-psychotic. It is still used to treat my depression, but we are trying a different combination to see how it effects me. We chose this one as it ranked high on a list that came about from a gene-sight test I had that helped to identify which medications might work best for my body and my chemistry. Very interesting test and very easy to do (a cheek swab). I recommend it if it is available in your area.

What I will call “my second anti-depressant” didn’t rank as high and I also felt like it wasn’t doing the job and this is why she took me off of it. She then added the anti-psychotic medication. We started at the lowest dose to see how it would affect me.

I gave it a few weeks as I needed to let the anti-depressant work its way out of my system and also give the new medication time to work. Overall, I felt better. I thought I felt better. I wasn’t laying in bed. In fact, the thought of laying in bed was a turn-off for me. I really didn’t and don’t want to do that old habit anymore. This has been a huge step. One I didn’t feel with the other medication. I feel like this is a huge step for me.

I did have some lingering feelings of frustration and restlessness. This new medication can have some of those jumpy crawl-out-of-your-skin side effects and I wasn’t sure if the feelings were the new medication or it was my depression and anxiety being up to their old tricks.

So I gave it some time.

It seemed to wear off some, but never has it fully gone away.

The one thing I did notice is how I talked to myself. Sometimes I was really nice to myself and that feels great. I have been able to do some hobby type of stuff and I have actually felt enjoyment doing those things again. Another huge plus!

I did notice, however, that when I got frustrated I would really lay into myself. I would tear myself down in a matter of seconds. The talk at that point was really bad and really hurtful and left me more and more frustrated with myself. And then I would start to feel bad.

But I still didn’t want to go lay in bed. I really want to feed this feeling and I feel the new medication has brought on this change and this is an extremely desirable change for me.

The bad thoughts though…not so good. I cannot let them consume me the way they are.

A few of weeks ago, I asked if I could up the dosage to see what would happen. I wanted to fuel the good and hopefully tamp down the bad thoughts I was having towards myself.

So far, the good is there and continues to grow. I don’t lay in bed. I get up early everyday and I go to bed at a good time, mostly. This is good.

I will say that the shitty thoughts about myself are still there and the frustration with myself rages on. This has got to stop because I am extremely hard on myself. Especially about my weight gain I have had over the past year and a half. This is not a great combination.

So it makes me wonder, do I try something else? Do I raise the dosage. Do I wait a little longer for the new dose to continue adjusting?

I will say that this all really frustrates me. I am ready to find exactly what works for me and be done with this medication change thing which sucks each and every time I have to get used to a new medication.

I’m not going to lie. I have thought about giving up. I get so damn frustrated with all of this that sometimes I don’t want to try anymore.

But I have to…right? Yes, I do.

Thankfully, I have an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner next week. Hopefully, together, we can keep going and hopefully we can get to my goal of finding exactly what I need sooner than later (be patient Jason…be patient).

I have to stay the course. I have to. I want to be here, and while I am here, I want to enjoy this one chance at life I do get. I will continue to try and persevere through all of this. It is tough sometimes and I want to give up sometimes, but I can’t and I won’t. The saga continues!

Stay the course. What is next will always be revealed somehow and someway. I am ready to see what is next for me!

You got this. I got this. We got this. Let’s keep walking this journey together.

Have a great day!

Jason

Come and check out rockingmentalhealth.com. This is a nonprofit website I founded where you will find stories and experiences told through various forms of creative expression. Come and see what we have!