New Rules Hokey Pokey And Me

The hokey pokey. Who remembers the hokey pokey? You put your left foot in. You put your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself about…that’s what it’s all about. And it builds from something like that. I remember playing this when I was a young one and I remember it being a lot of fun. The record spins and the fun begins. Lately, I feel like I have been playing some new rules hokey pokey and it doesn’t feel as fun as I remember it being.

You start this medicine. You stop this medicine. You start this medicine and you spin your life around. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself about. And all that jazz. This is the “game” I am playing right now.

I feel like it has to be done. I didn’t like how I was feeling before and I have been trying to be more active in my mental healthcare again after a long lull. The long lull approach I took doesn’t seem like the best idea now as I learn the new rules of my life’s game.

It has been a whirlwind as of late. I’m starting and stopping and starting medication and this has all been over the last couple of months. It can be a lot to adjust to, but I am really trying my hardest as I do like some of what I am seeing so far.

I haven’t laid in bed due to depression in at least a month. I have been cooking more versus our old habit of ordering out all of the time. I’ve even been losing some weight. I have been doing more around the house and in the yard. I really like this part. I feel more engaged when I am this way. I want to grow this part of me, so it is requiring me to remain patient through this ongoing up and down start and stop process.

Not easy at all, but I am doing it. I don’t feel like I have any other choice in the matter. I do have a choice, I just don’t want to go the other way anymore. Or I am at least trying not to go the other way.

These new medicines have been very different for me. Getting used to these particular ones, which have different side effects for sure, versus some of the other medications I have tried is proving to be a whole new challenge. The ones I am on now tend to “activate” you more. This is where my increased motivation is coming from, but the undesirable side effects live there too.

I’ve talked about this some recently. These new medications leave me with a feeling of “inner restlessness”. This is the best description I have come across for how I feel constantly. I saw the description on an antidepressant commercial and thought it was the best descriptor for the feelings I have been having that are next to impossible to describe. I also have a lingering nervousness feeling that tends to be around most of the time as well.

It is uncomfortable.

But it seems to be easing some the longer I have been on this newest medication. The one before left me feeling these feelings so intensely that I had to stop and start the one I am currently on.

Coming off of a med to go on another med to then come off of it to go onto another leaves you with a very dizzying game of Hokey Pokey. When you are coming off of one and not yet therapeutic on the other can prove to be a rough time. At least for me it has been. Your body is adjusting and you are trying to get used to being without the old one and getting used to the new one. This game isn’t fun, but I stay the course as I know I have to. I have to so that I can get to where I want to get to.

These feelings suck. And they can suck for a while, but I am starting to feel better. These feelings are decreasing more and more every day, so I keep playing the game.

There are days I want to give up and quit, but I can’t. I have too much in front of me I want to experience and I want to get there. Quitting will not get me there. I’ve tried that as well in the past and it left me knocked down a few pegs.

I don’t want to go back there. The side effects I am having now are nowhere near to the feelings I once had. They really suck, but that is because they are so forward in my life right now that it can be all I focus on which I think intensifies these feelings.

So I will continue to put my left foot in and put my left foot out. I’ll keep shaking it all about and I will Hokey Pokey my way to where I want to be. I have to. I WANT to.

Some of our journeys are not always easy. Nothing about any of this is easy, but nothing good tends to come easy as we all know. Therefore, I will keep my head down and keep pushing forward even when it feels like forces want to push me back again.

Nope. Not doing it. Gotta keep moving forward.

Just writing this today has left me feeling pretty good. It feels good to get this stuff off of my chest. Keep pushing. Keep talking. Keep moving forward.

You got this. I got this. We got this! Let’s keep moving forward together on this path we are on.

Have a great day!

Jason

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