I recently saw a quote that alluded to being comfortable with yourself when you are by yourself. Naturally it got me thinking. Just about everything does anymore, but this one I have dwelled on for some time. Am I comfortable with myself? It’s time to dive into the idea of a solo party of one.
A party for me anymore is a gathering of friends and family and there is laughter. Often there is music as well. That’s all it takes for something to be a party to me. I think I’m simplifying in this point of my life. It doesn’t take much for me to be entertained. It never really has.
Do I entertain myself when I am by myself? Am I comfortable being with myself when I am by myself?
In the past I would have answered “yes” for sure. Today, I would say “pretty much” or “I think so” leaving an element of doubt. A few years ago, I would have said “no”. Actually, I might have said “yes”, but now I know that-me didn’t really know where he stood with a number of things, especially being comfortable with myself. Drinking Jason…”I’m pretty cool with that guy”, I’m sure I would have said. Sober me…”nope not at all”. I don’t know if it was about being honest with myself or just not really knowing me anymore.
So now I have undertaken a remodel of myself over the past almost 3 years. It has been a roller coaster kind of thrill ride, kind of a horror, and very educational experience all wrapped into one confused dude who is beginning to make some sense out of himself again. I really do feel like this is the case.
Through the first part of my re-model, I had no clear idea of who I was. There was a bit of an image, but it wasn’t clear anymore. The drunk “that guy is cool” me was gone. Dropped him cold turkey. I was adjusting or trying to adjust to not being that guy anymore.
What will I become?
It was scary.
I felt so lost when I ditched my crutch and decided to go it alone. At least go it alone, meaning doing life, without an intoxicating substance I so still craved. Would people like this other guy? Would I like this other guy? Will he even be recognizable after the transformation or whatever this is?
I had all of these questions and then some. It was scary because I had absolutely no answers. I could not answer the question if someone had asked me at that moment, “who are you?”.
I had no clue.
I began to muddle my way along. Picking up a little bit of information each step I took. Is it good information? Is it lies? My brain was having a hard time making sense out of all this reforming.
So I muddled along, confused.
I picked up more information and I looked at it. I kept it. The picture had some areas of clearing. It really took a while for this to happen. Maybe a year. Maybe a little more. I have really struggled at seeing myself again.
I was not super thrilled to be hanging out with myself. I found myself not even knowing what to say to me. I’ve been with me forever and now we have nothing to talk about. It seems weird to say, but it was awkward.
There we were. We’ve been together and figuring out life together, forever. I had no idea what to say to myself. I found myself saying and thinking some seriously negative thoughts. This seemed to feel familiar so maybe I am these thoughts and this is the real me.
There is no way it is and would be the real me, but we are the most convincing antagonists of ourselves.
I knew I couldn’t stay here so I kept walking. I kept picking up information. I began to become more comfortable with being a non-drinker and therefore I became more comfortable with myself. I talked to myself better…mostly. I was less depressed…mostly.
The negative and the depression always has crept back in. I know it always will, but it is how we learn to deal with these times that can help make us see who we can be. At first it’s not the clearest picture, but clarity does come.
Confusion loves to pop up and say hi. It doesn’t want you to forget about it, but it does begin to lessen over time.
My good moments and my bad moments began to switch. The length of each began to switch. The dominantly feel-bad-me began to be replaced with a person who feels better more days than not.
I began to become more comfortable being by myself. I picked on myself much less. I was seeing what I was becoming and I liked what I was seeing. There is motivation there. The motivation rises when the positive feelings rise. It really is a freeing moment in a battle that is not won overnight.
I was beginning to engage in some activities that had gone by the wayside. Keeping yourself busy doing things you like or used to like is a great way to reintroduce the dark brain to some energy producing light and let the good brain have the stage for a a bit and hopefully they keep coming back on and staying longer and performing longer each and every time.
Sitting here today, I can say that it does happen this way. At least it can happen this way. I have some seriously crappy days and they still like to line-up, but when the good comes back, I like what I see more and I want to keep working at being this person or having this image of myself that I like.
I spend my time creating. I love this writing game and I like the other things I am creating as well from art to videos and some other stuff. It gives me purpose, but it also more importantly serves a purpose in my life.
I am still working at liking this me I see in front of me, but I do like what I’m seeing. I want to keep walking forward and I want to continue collecting more information and doing what I can to see me for what I am and can be.
It has gotten back to a level where a party doesn’t have to be with a gathering of people, but a solo party of one is one party I do not mind attending anymore. I even look forward to it.
You got this. I got this. We got this. Let’s keep walking this journey together.
Have a great day!
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