Losing A Close Friend

Yes, it has been awhile. I’m always thinking of topics to write about and then, for some reason, I never write anything. I’m not exactly sure why I haven’t written anything except it seems the ideas end up being done in some other form. 2024, I have claimed, is going to be a different year. I talked about this in the latest podcast episode and then I’ve kind of disappeared again. Life has decided to take my attention and focus elsewhere for a while and I’ve needed to let it go to these places. Last week I started a new job inside a whole new career path. I also lost a really good friend, recently, and it hurts a lot right now. I wanted to write to talk about my new job, but I really need to write to get some stuff out of my head.

Last week, I started a job as a substitute custodian for one of the school systems in the area. I haven’t worked in like 7 months so it was nerve racking to start up again. Sounds very random, but for whatever reason, as I’ve been searching for months, it felt like the right way to go. Or it feels like the route I’m being led to go. It is a long way from my days as a nurse and a clinical specialist. I like it. This career path is not an exceptionally difficult one, but it is rewarding. I work hard. It feels good to come home and your body is exhausted like you’ve been at the gym, to some degree, for 8 hours. I have no problem being on my feet for 8 hours if necessary. Honestly, I think it plays well with this new ADHD diagnosis and the Adderall I am now taking. This job helps to remove any of the “jitters” I feel related to any of the ADHD symptoms I have. I scrub toilets and vacuum a ton and it soothes my soul. Plus it’s really cool to think I am helping the teachers and the students have a clean productive environment to teach and learn in. I’m getting used to it and it really is a good job for me and some of the rapid fire thoughts I have. I’ll get into this more down the road.

I little over a week ago, my buddy’s wife, also a good friend of mine, texted my wife and I that Bill had passed. I wasn’t entirely shocked, but I was blown away. I instantly began to cry. I instantly missed my friend.

My friend has been dealing with the fucked upped-ness that is pancreatic cancer. I’ve lost family members and other close friends to this extremely aggressive form of cancer. I’m so over it to be honest. It keeps taking my favorite people.

Bill was a guy that once he made up his mind there was no going back. He took on cancer as head-on as I’ve ever seen him take anything on. In his mind he was going to beat this. He had more life to live. He is someone who loved living life. So he did whatever it took, regardless of finances, and he did and sought out the very best care he could find.

I remember when he started losing weight. He lost it fast. He talked about this pain in his abdomen and his decrease in appetite was significant. He lost a lot of weight fast. I had an idea what was going on. He had an idea what was going on.

One of the first things he said to me about the diagnosis is “what’s next?”. He was ready to fight. In his mind there was no other option.

He fought so valiantly. To the point he did get some relief for a while. I even remember bumping into him and one of his boys in his new-to-him convertible he bought himself for fun. That’s how he was. He liked his toys and he worked hard to get them even if it meant working two jobs for a spell of years.

I remember speaking to him around Thanksgiving for the first time in a little while. His voice sounded different. Weaker than usual. Almost sounded like a struggle to talk. I knew instantly that this was the beginning of the end even if I didn’t want to put it into those exact words.

Over the past year, I have really isolated myself from things. Not necessarily on purpose, but I have found it more difficult to reach out to people and keep in touch. I want to do these things, but sometimes it seems like an impossible feat.

During this time, Bill always would reach out to me. This is during the time he was being aggressively treated for cancer. Even if I didn’t always answer the phone or call back. He always tried to keep me going and get me out of this shell I had placed myself into. He did this even when he felt like shit at the time.

He doesn’t give up on people.

And then I didn’t hear from him for a while. I felt guilty and something didn’t seem right for some reason. I called him. No answer. I waited a couple days called him. I did this for a bit and then he answered. It was that time around Thanksgiving. In this weaker voice I’m not used to hearing out of him, he said he was sick.

I knew what he meant and he sounded different than he had before. The cancer was back, and most worrisome, was the fact it sounded like it had spread and not to a treatable area. I remember hanging up the phone and crying. It’s hard to hear the ones you love the most be in the most pain and know by the sound of their voice that time was now more limited than ever.

I made it a point from then on, no matter how I felt, that I would keep reaching out to him. I wanted my friend to know I loved him no matter how distant I seemed at times.

So I would call him periodically. Not all of the time as I didn’t want to bug him and I know he was tired. Sometimes he answered and sometimes he wouldn’t. I understood, but I always tried again. At one point I heard he had basically stopped responding to anyone, but he would occasionally talk with me.

It makes you feel special in such a weird not awesome time. It’s not about me, but even at his sickest he would take some time and let me know what was going on and how he felt. I spoke to him last in the early part of January.

The last time I talked to him he was kind of cranky. Understandably so and as far as I was concerned, crank on my friend. I could tell he was frustrated and done. He wasn’t eating. He was sleeping most of the time.

And then over a week ago, his wife texted my wife and I to let him know that he passed aways the night before and he was surrounded by family and some close friends.

I wish I could have seen him one last time. These are the things that hurt the most with loss. One last time.

I miss my friend.

At the same time I know he is back to himself and no longer suffering.

I met Bill through a friend of mine. I was working in the radiology department of the hospital, at the time, and I had a buddy down in ultrasound. We got talking and somehow got talking about softball and if I play. They needed some guys to help fill in. I was all for it as I loved playing baseball back in the day. So I went to the first game. I met everyone and it was overwhelming. I met Bill that night. He ran the team and this is how we became friends. We ended up co-running the team for a bunch pf years.

Actually maybe it was this. I was at a bar with my wife and brother-in-law checking out a Beatles cover band that was there. I noticed this dude I knew, as Bill was there checking it out and he was by himself. I can’t remember if I went to him or he came over to me, but we began talking and hanging out while watching the band perform. We talked music and I found out he is a huge Beatles fan. Eventually my wife and brother-in-law wanted to leave, but I wanted to stay and hang out. They left and I stayed and hung out with Bill. This was the moment I knew me and this dude were going to be really good friends.

Bill has this warmth about him. It’s inviting. You want to be around it. Bill knew a lot of people. Bill was the exception of quantity vs quality when it came to friends. Bill had a ton of quality friends. You couldn’t help but fall in love with him after speaking with him. He always made it a point to find out everything about you especially what makes you tick and why. He wanted to figure people out and learn something from it. He made sure people were comfortable and OK when in his presence. Self-less comes to mind. He had such a big heart and som many people got to experience it throughout his life.

I have met a ton of people who I am now close to solely because of him. He introduced me to his circle of friends and they quickly became my friends. Some of them I played softball with for years and years. Some of them he worked in the pharmacy with. Some of them I met on the huge bus trips he would arrange for 50 guys to go to an away Chicago Bears game. Some of them I would meet at the Pub when we would meet to play Golden Tee on Fridays.

The coolest thing maybe from all of this is the relationships that will last now that he is gone and these relationships are had directly because I knew Bill.

He is and was one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met inside and out. He was as genuine as they come. Everyone loved him. The tributes I’ve seen on Facebook have been amazing and also carry the same theme…the friendships forged and the love and warmth the man had for everyone. There were no strangers in his world.

He also taught me that no matter how fucked up you think your life is, there are people who will stand right by you even as you spiral down and they will never abandon you. You could count on Bill. Always.

I could go into so many memories about my buddy. Bears games, concerts, camping, halloween (his favorite by the way) and super bowl parties, etc. See the common theme? Everything involves getting together with the ones he loved the most.

We now have a torch to carry on in his memory.

I miss you Bill. I really do. It hurts a lot right now, but I know you are now OK and that does give me peace.

I love you buddy.

I can also hear you saying, “come on Kehl” when drinking good tequila while camping. “Come on Kehl”, with that huge Bill smile you can picture if you’ve ever had the pleasure of being around this really cool dude I got to call my friend for the last lots and lots of years.

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Check on loved ones. Let people in your life know you love them.

Jason